A Major Award

[Amidst the brouhaha over the Kevin Kline Awards discussed in my last post, some welcome jocularity from A Major Player in the local cabaret scene.  Tim Schall originally posted this to some local theatre email lists.  I'm publishing it here with his permission.]

New St. Louis Awards for Cabaret Performers Announced

A Major Award

St. Louis Area Cabaret Awards, a.k.a. “The SLACAs” (please don’t pronounce it “the slackers” - we will be offended), light up the St. Louis arts scene. New eligibility criteria for 2011:

• A performer must do at least one public performance of a minimum of 45 minutes in length, and not to exceed 2.5 hours. If performance exceeds 2.5 hours, for god sake, include an intermission so people can pee.
• Total audience attendance must be a minimum of 5 paying customers (not to include the comps you gave to your family, friends and some recent trick you picked up)
• Performer must sing at least 2 songs by Cole Porter, one of which must include the “lost lyrics” recently discovered in a trunk in a warehouse in Secaucus, New Jersey.
• You must say witty, enlightening facts about songs, composers and famous performers and make it look like you didn’t just lift them from a Michael Feinstein DVD.
• You must pay your light/sound person at least 4 times what you make in profit
• Eligible venues include The Kranzberg, The Bistro and any church basement that doesn’t smell too musty.
• Your “thank yous” at the end of the show, must be at least as long as your first two numbers and include the maintenance staff and ladies in the kitchen (if applicable).

Tim Schall, often accused of jump-starting the local cabaret movement, says, “I have been a SLACA all my life and maybe, just maybe, now I can be publicly recognized for the consummate (or is that ‘consummated?’) SLACA that I truly am! A great day has come to St. Louis!”

Dates for the first SLACA ceremony to be announced in 2011.

Please note: None of the above is true...well, mostly not true.